Straight Up Hood Rich

So Horribly Awesome: Ultimate Edition

This is pretty much the song that this column was created for.  The song that launched my fascination with finding music so awful that it is, in turn, completely and utterly brilliant.  This track’s got it all, man.  Absurd lyrics.  A catchy tune.  A chorus that’s incredibly fun to yell out while pounding drinks.  Folks that know me are already aware of my infatuation with this song, so to them, I apologize. But, for the rest of you, it’s time you heard all about it.

The song in question is Heart’s All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You.  First of all, the name of the song alone is enough to get me giddy.  Any time a girl rock group is releasing a track with that title, you know it’s going to be fabulous.  To explain: the title isn’t nearly subversive enough to be a feminist statement about how sometimes girls just want to fuck, the same way that guys do.  Nor is it romantic enough to be a love song.  It’s just straight ridiculousness, which is a really good indication of what the track is going to entail.  And, boy, does it live up to the anticipation.

The title’s only scratching the surface, though.  The real absurd brilliance exists within the throaty, rasped chorus and the incredible narrative contained in the lyrics.  Simply unbelievable. Continue reading…

So Horribly Awesome: Coital Explosion Edition

He’s Marge Simpson’s favorite artist.  He’s Carlton Banks’ favorite artist to dance to.  For better or worse, he’s one of Britain’s most recognizable voices.  He’s a sex symbol, or, as wikipedia thankfully told us, women were literally “throwing their knickers” on stage during his performances.

I don’t have any beef with the Welshman with the booming voice and, according to urban legend, massive wiener.  Actually I have one of his live albums on vinyl that I caught myself kind of digging.  I mean the dude’s got some serious pipes on him.

But when his sexed up music begins to border on self parody, that’s when you’ve got a candidate for So Horribly Awesome.  Enter: Sex Bomb, part of the late 90s resurgence of Mr. Tom Jones. Continue reading…

So Horribly Awesome: Fat Recluse Edition

“Big brains are awesome, dude!”

Last week’s post caused a small uproar among a few of my friends who are stricken with 80s nostalgia.  Essentially they disagree with 2 notions, the first being that Karate Kid is terrible/gay, and the second being that the 80s were overrun with these examples of awful pop culture.

In order to further the argument, I’m willing to submit this vile abortion of pop culture infamy.  The 80s were so terrible that not only did they produce mass amounts of laughable bullshit, but they also persuaded former musical titans to make regrettable choices and songs that can only fall into the category of So Horribly Awesome.  So here’s my haymaker in the fight to prove the 80s sucked.

I submit for your consideration this exhibit: Brian Wilson’s hip-hop song (yup) about the ladies that turn him on from the never-released record Sweet Insanity.  The song’s called Smart Girls.  You’re welcome. Continue reading…

So Horribly Awesome: Crane Style Edition

Man, this movie is fucking gay.  That was my main thought while watching the Karate Kid whenever the hell I watched it.  And I don’t mean gay in that schoolchild semi-offensive way, where everything that isn’t good is gay.  I mean it’s, like, legitimately really gay.  Danny Larusso picking up chicks on a beach by juggling a soccer ball.  That blonde dude who was the go-to 80s teen movie villain because of how good looking he was.  All that muscle flexing.  And, of course, the ambiguous relationship with Mr. Miyagi.  What parent lets their young son go hang out with some creepy old man with nobody else at the house?

Times have changed since then.  We don’t let our kids hang out with old men.  We don’t envy karate moves nearly as much as we used to (see: the plummeting popularity during the late 90s of Van Damme and Stevie Law Man).  We don’t make movies where, ostensibly, the bad guy’s only negative qualities are that he’s way too handsome and he’s vaguely a dickhead.

And, most of all, we don’t make music like Joe Esposito’s (in)famous track from the movie.  Jesus, this song sucks.  So, why do I keep pushing repeat? Continue reading…

So Horribly Awesome: Contemporary Edition

This is going to be one of the shorter So Horribly Awesome posts thus far. Not because this song isn’t particularly horrible or awesome. But because there’s really not that much to analyze. I mean, listening to this song raises a lot of questions for me, but there almost all very easily answered.

First, what the fuck is going on here? Easy answer: making money on really bad party music. That’s pretty much been Lil’ John’s main thing since he burst onto the hip-hop scene with the heavy bass and incoherent yelling known as crunk. None of his songs really make any sense. It’s heavy repetition with enough bass and drums to drown out any type of confusion the listener might have.  Basically, if you’re listening to any of Lil’ Jon’s bullshit in any setting other than a large party, you’re either a complete tool or just a dude who has no taste in music.

The song in question is called Shots.  It’s by a group known as LMFAO. In internet language, that’s laughing my fucking ass off.  I really could stop here and you’d get my point. But I won’t. Continue reading…

So Horribly Awesome: Chuck D’s Inner Monologue

Chung King Studios, Sometime in 1987

Chuck D is in the studio as Flavor Flav steps into the booth. “All right, William, you know the deal.  You get one track per album. Just try not to embarrass me, really.  We’re in the midst of recording arguably the most influential and politically important hip-hop record of all time.  Keep it reigned in.”

William Jonathan Drayton, Jr., aka Flavor Flav, mumbles something incoherent and then yells something that Chuck assumes was meant as encouragement.  The beat drops, Flavor steps to the mic, and Chuck begins to think quietly to himself, occasionally shuffling his feet and sighing heavily with frustration. Continue reading…

So Horribly Awesome: What the Fuck Edition

It’s tough to pick out the worst decade in the history of music. For the most part, all decades are mostly filled with shit, but with a few standout artists that make all the years seem somehow worthwhile and good. I think a lot of people would argue that the 80s were the worst, and I’d have a tough time disagreeing. Terrible synthpop, hair metal, and spandex. When one of the standout bands of the 80s is the fucking Cure, you’ve got a problem.

But, in the words of Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei, the 90s sucked too. Nirvana is undoubtedly one of my favorite bands of all time, as is Radiohead, but that goddamn grunge movement that consumed the better part of the decade is one of the worst fucking things that has ever happened to music. Words can’t describe how terrible most of these bands were, with their ripped jeans and flannel shirts and greasy hair. Refusing to shower does not make you cool.

Which brings us to today’s So Horribly Awesome. In the 90s, a bunch of these shitty bands decided to get together for an AIDS benefit compilation called No Alternative. It sucked, as expected, with the exception of the Nirvana songs. Now I’m no purist when it comes to remakes, but there are certain songs that should never be covered. Particularly not by bands as terrible as Soul Asylum. I don’t know if we can prosecute 17 years later, but somebody has to answer for Soul Asylum’s version of the Marvin Gaye classic Sexual Healing. Continue reading…

So Horribly Awesome, Ep. 3

I’m an aggressive defender of pop music. It’s not that I think it’s good, or that I listen to it. It’s that I mostly contend that in order to write an immensely popular song, it takes a good bit of talent and that anything so widely loved can’t be all that bad, right? Fifty million Elvis fans can’t be wrong. And they’re not. Elvis is fucking sweet.

But, Jesus fucking Christ™ this song unravels all of my arguments. Drops of Jupiter is the worst fucking song I’ve ever heard by a terrible band that should all be raped and shot on national television. And it went multi-platinum. HOW IN THE FUCK DID THIS SHIT SELL OVER A MILLION RECORDS? Continue reading…

So Horribly Awesome, Ep. 2

I’ve been bumping this shit for like a month and it’s time to shout and let it all out, to borrow a phrase from another one of their songs. That’s right. I’m talking about Tears for motherfucking Fears.

This week’s So Horribly Awesome track is the one and only Head Over Heels. This song is so goddamn illin’ I don’t even know how to describe it in words. All I can say is that it doesn’t really make any sense, but this dude’s flexing his pipes and that synth and cheesy electric guitar is pumping along with the beat. The gayest fist-pumping music of all time, basically.

Continue reading…

So Horribly Awesome, Ep. 1

To kick this thing off, there’s some explanation required.  As with any category of art, music features such a vast catalog that there will inevitably be a shitload of tunes so horrible they can only be classified as an abomination.  Yet we still listen with horrified expressions and sometimes catch ourselves bobbing our heads.  So Horribly Awesome is a space dedicated to those awful songs you just can’t help but love, either in spite of how bad they are, or because of how bad they are.

The first entry?  The inaugural shit-fest that’ll get this thing rolling? “9 to 5” (also called “Morning Train”) by Sheena Easton.  Everyone knows this song.  And anyone who tells you they don’t enjoy it is completely full of shit.  So why do people love it?  Misogynistic fantasies, catchy ass hooks, or some combination of both?

Continue reading…